Cheapskates/Script
has just finished unloading some shoeboxes. She sighs heavily and wipes her brow. Coach Halder comes up behind her and blows a whistle. Coach Halder: "Sissy soccer cleats don't go up front and center!" Jen: "I happen to like soccer." Coach Halder: "Five-minute foul!" goes over and has a seat in the penalty box, where one of her male co-workers is already sitting. Jen: "Ugh, stupid Coach!" looks over to her boxmate and realizes that he's rather cute. Griffin: "Hi, I'm Griffin." Jen: "Jen. So what'd you do to end up in the penalty box on your first day?" Griffin: "It was probably the unsanctioned breath I took earlier." breathing "Oops, there's another." Jen: chuckling "Oh, but it's so worth it for all the minimum-wage bucks we make!" Griffin: at Jen "You mean it's uh, it's worth it for all the hot chicks." looks around. Jen: "Oh, y-you mean me!" giggles shyly. Griffin: "I-I know we don't really know each other, but maybe we could hang out sometime." Jen: "How's tonight?" blushes. "Too eager?" Griffin: "No, no. I like a girl who knows what she wants. Pick you up at eight?" Jen: "Eight it is." exits the penalty box. "Later!" dancing "I rock! I rock! I rock! I ro–" stops. Griffin is watching her. Griffin: "I'm still here." Jen: groaning "Can we pretend I didn't just do that?" Griffin: "No, you definitely did it. Nice moves. But we can pretend I didn't see it." Jen: "That works too." ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''Cheapskates' ---- ''is talking to Caitlin and Nikki by the Big Squeeze. Jen: "And then, even though I did a stupidly embarrassing dance, Griffin still asked me out!" Jen and Caitlin: "EEEEE!" Nikki: "Sounds like a keeper. Where are you guys going?" Caitlin: "A stroll around the fake lake? Oh, maybe some nosh at that French café? Or a midnight makeout session under the stars?" Jen: "No clue. Guess my date with Griffin will be a total surprise." guys walk up to the table. Wyatt: "Got a date?" Jen: "Eeee! At eight!" Jonesy: "That'll give you time to do something with that hair." Jen: "What's wrong with my hair?" stray hair pops up. Jonesy: "Guess the guy's beyond looks." punches him. "Ow!" Jen: "I'm going home to change." Caitlin: after her "A little lipstick and mascara wouldn't hurt either!" Jen groans. Jude takes a sip of his drink and swishes his soda around in his mouth. Wyatt: "Jude, what're you doing?" Jude: "You hold it in your mouth a bit, then you swallow, dude." does so again. "Unlocks the flavor." Caitlin: "Please, Jude, stop swishing!" her crotch "I've have to pee so badly!" Nikki: "I've got a suggestion. Go. To. The bathroom." Caitlin: "And use the gross mall washrooms? No way! I can hold it!" Jonesy: "Have I ever told you guys how much I love waterslides? Woosh! Woosh!" Caitlin: "Jonesy!" Wyatt: "Almost as much as I love Niagara Falls? Whish! Whish!" Caitlin: "Wyatt!" Nikki: "Personally, I love sprinklers. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch!" Jonesy: "Woosh! Woosh!" Wyatt: "Whish! Whish!" Nikki: "Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch!" Caitlin: "I can't hold it any longer!" grabs Nikki's arm and drags her away. Nikki: "Hey! What do you need me for?" Caitlin: "You did this to me! I'm not going into those sicko washrooms alone." ---- long stream of yellow droplets sprays out. Jonesy: "Uh, dude? Caitlin's gone." stops spitting. Jude: "Oops." clamps his hand down on Jude's shoulder. Ron: "I could haul you in for liquid littering, maggots." is wearing odd, gigantic goggles. Jude: "What's with the weird glasses, mall cop dude?" Ron: "They're infrared goggles. The latest in crime-fighting technology." Wyatt: "Infrared goggles? Cool!" Jonesy: "Can they see through clothing? Enh? Enh?" Ron: "Goggles are not a toy, street meat! They detect heat, and red is the color of guilt! Innocent people don't sweat!" sweaty man walks by, having clearly come from the gym. He is very red on Ron's goggles. "Stop! You're clearly guilty of something!" chases the man. Penalty Box Customer: running "Aah! I just came from the gym!" ---- and Caitlin are still in the restrooms. Nikki: "Are you done yet? I have to get to work." herself "What am I saying? Take all the time you need." exits her stall. Caitlin: "Thanks for coming with me, Nikki. The moral support makes it not so gross." tries to get some soap. "Oh no! I can't wash my hands!" Nikki: "Relax, I've got some hand sanitizer." squeezes hand sanitizer into Caitlin's hands. Caitlin: "I knew I brought you here for a reason!" voice wafts through the ducts, speaking Spanish. Caitlin: "Oh, I've always wanted to date a Spanish guy. You're so lucky!" Nikki: "Mmm, you've lost me." Caitlin: "Jonesy is a Garcia." Nikki: laughing "Oh yeah, the only thing Spanish about Jonesy is his love of salsa. As in the condiment, not the dance." Spanish is heard. "Maybe now is your chance. Get out there and bag that Spanish hottie." Caitlin: "You are the best bathroom wingwoman ever!" grabs Nikki and tows her outside. A dark haired, tanned teenager in tight pants exits the men's room. "Oh, he's so dark and mysterious! Only a hot Euro guy could pull off such tight pants." Nikki: "Can you imagine the guys in those?" does so. It is not a pretty image, especially when Jude adjusts himself in the pants. Nikki: "Ooh. Ooh. I need to sanitize my brain. Okay, now's your chance! Go talk to him!" Caitlin: "Not yet, Nikki! First, I'm gonna learn Spanish, so we can speak the language of love." Nikki: "Wait. You're gonna learn an entire language just so you can date a guy?" Caitlin: "I've already dated all the eligible English-speaking ones." Nikki: "True." two leave. Another teenager exits the restroom. Jasper: after them "Man, would I ever like to ask that cute blonde out!" Jasper's Friend: "Si, you must! La vida es corta!" looks at him, confused. "Life is short." Jasper: "I'll do it! Tomorrow." Jasper's Friend: his eyes "Estupido." Jasper: "Hey! I understood that!" ---- gang are gathered around the table. Only Jen is missing. Caitlin: "I can't wait for my Spanish language tapes to arrive! Then I can ask out my Spanish hottie!" Jonesy: "Tell me one thing Spanish people have ever done for the world." Nikki: "Hmm, let's see. Well, they discovered America, created some of the world's most recognized dances, and revolutionized modern art." friends stare at her. "Hello, Picasso?" Jonesy: "I said name one thing." Wyatt: "Doesn't your dad speak Spanish? You should ask him to teach you." Jonesy: "I already know all the Spanish I'll ever need." Caitlin: "Oh, teach me, teach me, teach me!" Jonesy: "Repeat after me: idiota!" Nikki: a hand over Caitlin's mouth "Don't listen to Jonesy. He only knows swear words." gasps. Jen is walking towards the table. She is all made up and wearing a purple dress. Jude: "Whoa, bra! You look sa-mo-kin!" Jonesy: "You're one hot mama. I mean, stepsis." friends stare at him. "What? Too weird?" Wyatt: "Yep." Nikki: "Definitely." Jude: "Affirmative, bro." Caitlin: "You and Griffin are gonna have the best first date ever!" Griffin: up "Hi Jen. Wow. You look amazing! Ready to go?" Jen: "Definitely." walk away. Caitlin: "Griffin sure has all the right moves." Wyatt: "That is one good looking fellow!" friends stare at him. "Too weird?" Jonesy: "Yep." Jude: "Affirmative, bro." Nikki: "Definitely." ---- and Griffin are waiting in line at the Gigantoplex. Jen: "I've been waiting all week to see Minor Movie Star. It got three popcorn tubs out of five." Griffin: "I heard Jessica Stinson's acting range went from flirty to flirty and bouncy." giggles. Griffin checks his wallet. Griffin: "Oh. I–I seem to be a little short." Jen: some money out of her purse "No worries. You can pay me back." ticket seller closes her window. "Oh no! They're sold out!" Griffin: "Forget the movie. I have an even better idea." ---- and Griffin are sitting on a porch swing. Griffin: "You are so beautiful in this light. Remind me to thank my friend for sneaking us in." Jen: giggling "Who knew a window display could be so romantic?" Griffin: "Plus it's a great deal." holds up a 50% off sign. "Fifty percent off. Are you still hungry?" Jen: "Got any more free samples of that great soup from Soup's On?" Griffin: "No, but can I interest you in a biscotti chunk and a coffee sample from Grind Me?" Jen: "Thanks!" takes them and leans back contentedly. ---- is listening to her tapes while at work. Caitlin: "My name is Caitlin. Me llamo Caitlin." Stuart Goldstein: at his drink "But–this isn't what I ordered." Caitlin: "I am injured. Where's the nearest hospital?" Stuart Goldstein: "Northovich." Caitlin: "Estoy herida. Donde esta el hospital mas proximo?" runs up to her. "Hola. So how did the big date go last night?" takes off her earphones. Jen: "Muy amazing. The movie was sold out, so Griffin and I spent the whole night on the porch swing in Willows and Williams swinging and talking..." Caitlin: "EEEE! That is so romantic!" Jen: "Then, Griffin brought us free food samples, and we had a window display picnic! He's so sweet!" Nikki: "When are you guys going out again?" Jen: "Not sure, he hasn't called yet." Caitlin: "Don't worry, he will. There's definitely a next-day calling rule for great first dates." phone rings. "See? Told ya." Jen: answering "Hello?" Griffin: "Hey, Jen, I had a great time last night. Wanna do it again tonight?" Jen: "Okay. Can't wait." Griffin: "Bye." Jen: "Bye." hangs up. "Oh no! What have I done?" Nikki: "Uh, you agreed to go out with a guy you really like?" Jen: "But I don't know if I can follow up with last night's perfect date! What if the next one's a flop?" groans. Nikki: "I guess Jonesy and I could tag along. A little double-dating action to take the pressure off?" Jen: "AAAH!" leaps over and hugs Nikki. Nikki: "Whoa!" Jen: "You're the bestest!" Nikki: "Oh–" chuckling "I'll take that as a yes." ---- peeks out of the bushes, watching steadily with his infrared goggles. Jude skates by. Ron: "Slow down, maggot! This isn't a speedway!" Jude: "Whoa! Ah-ho!" loses control and crashes. Ron: "Hmm..." spots a taco hidden in a teenager's pocket. "That's it!" grabs the taco. "Stealing tacos, I see? You're coming with me, mister!" boy's stomach rumbles, and he prepares to fart. "Take cover! NNNOOOOOOOO!!!" hits the floor by Jude. "There's got to be a mall ordinance against unlawful gas emissions." Jude: "Dude! Can you see farts with those things?" Ron: "Yes soldier." reaches for the goggles. "You want the goggles!" laughs. "You can't handle the goggles!" ---- is still listening to the tapes. Caitlin: "Would you like to go to the movies? Te gustaria al cine? How about dinner? Te gustaria cena?" is looking on nervously as Caitlin practices her Spanish. Jasper's Friend: "You must not let amore slip away. Embrace it while you can!" pushes his friend forward. Caitlin: "Hola. Me llamo Caitlin. Te gustaria ir al cine?" looks around, nervous and confused. Caitlin blushes. Caitlin: desperate "Te gustaria cena?" shrugs and walks away unhappily. Caitlin: "Disastre." Jasper's Friend: eager "What did she say?" Jasper: "I didn't understand a word she said. Because she's Spanish!" Jasper's Friend: "Lucky for you, so am I." ---- and Nikki are at El Sporto's on their double date with Jen and Griffin. Jonesy: "I can't decide between the NFL fries or the NHL nachos." Nikki: "He'll have the fries." Jonesy "I'm not sitting through an entire movie with your heinous jalepeño breath." Jen: "I'll have the World Cup tostitos. How about you, Griffin?" Griffin: "Uh–" his wallet "Just water for me. I'm not hungry." and Nikki look at each other, uncomfortable. Jen: whispering "I can loan you some money." Griffin: "Being with you is all the sustenance I need." kisses Jen's cheek. ---- while later, everyone but Griffin is chowing down. Griffin: "I'll just enjoy my nice, cold tomato soup." sighs and squirts some ketchup into his water. Jen: "Oh!" her plate over "Well, what's mine is yours. I'll never be able to finish." begins eating like a starved man. Griffin: Jonesy and Nikki "Are you gonna eat all those?" Jonesy: his plate away "I'm gonna try." ---- skates up to a corner and ducks behind it. He looks out at Ron, who is napping in his security cart. Jude: "I gotta have those goggles! Wherever there's gas to pass, the Fart Man will be there!" creeps over to the cart and reaches for the goggles. He lays hands on them, and Ron stirs. Ron: "Ahh...Mommy, sing me a lullaby." Jude: quietly "Rock-a-bye rent-a-cop, in his golf cart/When the fart blows, Jude's world will rock." is able to gently take the infrared goggles from Ron. He smiles. Jude: whispering "Don't worry, mall cop dude! I'll bring them back good as new!" puts the goggles on. ---- has cleaned off everyone's plates, leaving the other three still hungry. Griffin: the look on Jen's face "Oh, sorry, Jen! Did you want it?" Jen: "It's okay. I like to leave room for movie popcorn." waitress comes by with the bill, and Griffin gets up. Griffin: "Ooh, I gotta use the facilities. Not like I ordered anything anyway." leaves the table. Jonesy: upset "No, you just ate all our food!" Jen "Thanks for roping us into an evening with El Cheapo." Jen: "Griffin's not cheap!" Nikki: "Whatever. Let's pay and get out of here. Movie starts in ten." put their money on the tray. "Okay, there are two extra loonies. Who wants bus fare?" Griffin: out of nowhere "If nobody else wants it..." takes the coins. Jen and Griffin walk away while Nikki and Jonesy share a look. The waitress comes back. Waitress: "Hey, aren't you our new busboy?" Jonesy: "Who, me? Maybe. I'm on break?" giggles nervously. ---- four daters are at the front of the line. Griffin: angry "How come seniors get a discount and students don't? Ugh, this is a gross social injustice!" quieter "You know what, let's sneak in the back way. That'll teach 'em to overcharge!" Jonesy: "Sorry, but I've been waiting all week to see Karate Ki-ya." Nikki: "Yeah. I'm not in the mood to spend the night in Ron's jail cell." Griffin: to Jen "You're not going to let these buzzkills ruin it, are you?" Jen: "EEE! I feel so dangerous!" ---- thereafter, Jen and Griffin are pushed out of the theater. They are followed by Jonesy and Nikki. Jonesy: "No fair! We paid!" Ron: "Friends don't let friends break the mall law. Now, I've got a goggle-stealing perp to smoke out!" walks away. The four teenagers get to their feet. Griffin: Jen "Can I walk you home? There's a full moon tonight." Nikki: "Home? But it's over an hour's walk." Jonesy: "Hope you brought your walking shoes; Griffin stole our bus fare." ---- is wearing a red dress at work. Jen slowly walks up to the Big Squeeze. Caitlin: "Que pasa!" Nikki: "Could ask you the same thing." Caitlin: "Wearing tassels makes me feel more Spanish. And these salsa shoes are surprisingly comfortable." Jen: "Wish I could say the same thing about mine." kicks off her shoes, revealing swollen, bloody feet. "Ohh, yeah." wiggles her newly-freed toes. Caitlin: gasping "Jen! What happened to your hideous feet?" Jen: "Griffin and I walked home from the mall last night." Caitlin: "But that's over an hour's walk!" Nikki: "Believe me, we know." Jen: "It was all worth it. I think Griffin's–" Caitlin: "The one?" nods. Griffin: with a coffee and a box "The bandages you ordered, and a coffee to numb the pain." Jen: "Aw, thanks Griffin!" tries to put a band-aid on, but it just slides off her foot. The same thing happens with the next one she tries. "The glue's all dried up. Maybe you should return the bandages to the pharmacy and get your money back." Griffin: "I could, except I bought them at Cheapo Bin for a buck." Jonesy: "Why pay retail when you can go wholesale, right Griffin?" Griffin: "Right you are, my man!" frowns. "Whoa! Lemon squishies are pricy! What drink has the most lemon for my money?" Caitlin: "Lemon-ade. That'll be three fifty." Griffin: his pockets "Uh, yeah uh, Jen, spot me a fiver?" Jen: at her money "Guess I'm a little short today." Caitlin: over the drink "Here. It's on the house." Jen: "Thanks Cait. Bye guys!" and Griffin walk away sipping their drinks. Wyatt: "I don't get it. What does Jen see in that guy?" Caitlin: "She's going broke bankrolling his cheap butt!" Jonesy: "I saw El Cheapo eating mustard packets for breakfast." Nikki: "I saw him stealing toilet paper from the washroom." Wyatt: "I saw him in Grind Me, putting all the leftover coffee into a mug. Then he asked the barista to nuke it." Nikki: "Please tell me that's not the coffee he just gave to Jen." Nikki, Jonesy, Caitlin, and Wyatt: "UGH!" Jasper: by "Hola, hermosa." blows Caitlin a kiss. Jonesy: up "Did that guy just call you a hermosa? I'll kill him!" Nikki: Jonesy "Do you even know what that means?" shrugs. Caitlin: "Neither do I! Jen may be dating El Cheapo, but at least she understands what her guy is saying!" ---- drives through the food court. Ron: "I'll find you, you goggle-stealing no-good!" Ron drives by, Jude looks after him through the goggles. He hears a fart. Jude: "Whoa." looks towards the fart and sees another one with the goggles. "Awesome!" ---- and his friend are standing by idly while Caitlin cleans the counter at work. Jasper's Friend: "In Spain, we romance through the dance. You have learned muy bien." Jasper: "But what if I trip? What if I forget the steps? Or worse, step on her toes?" Jasper's Friend: "I will be here to coach you the entire time." over an earbud "See?" affixes the earbud in his ear and walks over to Caitlin. He grabs her arm. Caitlin: "Wow, you–" stuffs a rose into her mouth. "Ouch!" pulls Caitlin out of the lemonade stand and begins dancing with her. Jasper: "Sus ojos estan grandes. Sus labios estan tan...enchados." pulls her along in the dance. Caitlin: muffled "I can't feel my lips!" ---- man enters a stall in the bathrooms and soon runs out screaming. Jude was crouched behind the toilet. Jude: "Wait, dude! It's all in the name of fart forensics!" ---- walks through work with a heavy pile of shoeboxes. She has switched to flip-flops. Jen: "Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ouch!" Coach Halder: "Feet bleeding on the job. That's dedication, Masterson!" sets the boxes down. Griffin: "I've got a romantic date all planned. Make sure to wear comfortable shoes!" Jen: excited "Okay! EEE!" ---- walks up to his friends with a trayful of tacos. Jude: them on the table "Who's hungry?" Jonesy: "For free tacos? Always!" begins eating one. Nikki: "What's with force-feeding us refried beans, Jude?" Jude: "I gotta see more infrared farts before Ron takes his goggles back!" Wyatt: disturbed "You want to watch me fart? I-I don't know what to say." Jonesy: "Sit tight, Jude. You're about to see something special." ---- and Griffin are at a library reading of a children's book. Jen: "This is your idea of a romantic date?" Griffin: "I'm a little short on cash. Oh! Ssh! They're about to start the reading." Librarian: reading "The leprechaun searched everywhere for that elusive rainbow." shoots Jen with his gun. Jen: "Ouch!" Stanley: "Loser!" Jen: sighing "I'm beginning to think you're right." ---- date has moved to the pet store. Jen: "A free pet store tour?" at some rabbits "Aw, those bunnies are cute!" hears squawking and turns around to see Griffin wrestling with a parrot over some birdseed. "Griffin! What are you doing? That birdseed is for the parrot!" Griffin: some seed "Don't see the parrot's name on it." ---- Jen and Griffin are sitting on a bench. Griffin still has the bag of birdseed. Jen: "Are we waiting for something?" breaks into laughter. Griffin: "Oh, people-watching really is the best entertainment." Jen: "Yeah, I'm a bit hungry. Maybe we can get something to eat?" Griffin: "Oh, here." tosses her the bag. "I brought extra for you." Jen: "Thanks for the uh, 'date', Griffin, but I'm gonna take off." Griffin: "Wait! You can't leave yet!" Jen: "There can't possibly be anything free that we haven't already done!" Griffin: "Uh, I need bus fare. Can I bum some till payday?" Jen: "Adios, El Cheapo." leaves. ---- is dancing with Caitlin. Caitlin: "Esta relación es terminada!" Jasper: "Huh?" Caitlin: "Gracias por el baile, Jasper." slinks away sadly as Caitlin goes back to her job. Wyatt: "It's like watching TV when you accidentally press the SAP button." Nikki: "What happened? Unfortunately, we don't speak Spanish." Caitlin: "The dance was nice, but I need someone who understands me. In English." Jen "Did you finally dump El Cheapo?" Jen: "Was everyone calling him that?" friends nod. "Oh, I just can't figure El Cheapo out! He makes the same as me at the Penalty Box. Where does all his money go?" Wyatt: "Maybe he has a sick parent to support?" Nikki: "Maybe he's really bad with his money." Jonesy: "Or maybe El Cheapo likes living off the backs of hardworking saps like you and me." friends stare at him. "Okay! Hardworking saps like you! My El Sporto busboy days are over." Nikki: "Perhaps that's because you never went to work." Jonesy: "A definite possibility." stomach rumbles. "Uh oh. Jude! It's time!" skates up and takes a good look as Jonesy stands up and points his butt at Jude. Ron: towards them "You! With the fart fetish! I want those goggles back!" farts. Jude: "Wicked. That was even better than I expected, dude!" Ron: the goggles "Me, me! I wanna turn! I want a turn!" Jude: "No, just–dude! Dude!" walks by, and Jen's eyes narrow. Jude: "Dude! Dude!" grabs the goggles and looks at Griffin. He has a wad of folded-up bills in each back pocket. Jen: surprised "Griffin's totally loaded." him "Hey! I want my seventy-five bucks back!" chases after Jen. Jude: "Bra! Bra, come back! Jonesy's about to blow again!" Jonesy: straining "Any minute now..." lets out a huge, loud fart. A small plop is heard at the end of it. Jude: disappointed "Aw, mannnn..." Jonesy: scared "Oh no." Category:Season 3